It has been fed to us through story books and movies that our life partner is the person that is meant to complete us, they become our other half and together we are supposed to make a whole. Let this be a wake up call to everybody; IT IS NOT YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO COMPLETE YOU!
As a couples counselor and woman who has been knee deep in the throes of relationships-gone-wrong, I have come to learn that relying on your partner to make you whole is what will inevitably destroy your relationship. Nobody explains this concept better than Dr. Victoria Fleming, author of “You Complete Me and Other Myths That Destroy Happily Ever After.” Dr. Fleming explains this idea using math: the common belief is that each partner provides 1/2 and together they make a whole, as if it were an addition equation 1/2+1/2=1. Unfortunately, using addition does not paint the full truth about these kind of relationships;
“Simply put, if we’re going to equate relationships to mathematics, we have to use multiplication. If I need your half and you need mine, we are each trying to take from the other, and we both end up with less than when we started. ½ x ½ = ¼”
In relationship terms, two halves do not make a whole, they multiply to make less than what you started with, eventually killing the relationship. Think about it, if you are relying on your partner to fulfill you in some sort of way, especially when it comes to happiness, then what happens to your happiness when your partner is not around or not feeling so happy? When two people come together in order to fulfill some missing part within each other, they eventually turn into emotional vacuums, sucking the life from one another.
It is my belief that a life partner comes in to your life to make your existence here on earth that much sweeter. I am not saying that a partner is not allowed to make you feel happy at all, but if that is the only source of happiness and sense of self-worth you have, then you and your relationship are in trouble. Take responsibility for your issues and find ways to work on them. It helps to work with a therapist, but if you do not have the means to do so, talk to your friends and partner to help you identify what your blind spots are. Our closest relationships are a reflection of our self, are you looking closely enough in the mirror?
Fleming, Victoria (2011-05-12). You Complete Me and Other Myths that Destroy Happily Ever After (p. 2). North Shore Wellness Services, Ltd. Kindle Edition.
I am always being probed for ideas regarding spicing things up in the bedroom. This is a very fair question, since it is practically inevitable that sex in a monogamous relationship can get boring. Here’s a news flash for all the coupled folks out there; boredom is completely normal. So how do we get around this? One of the first things that couples tend to go for is adding novelty to the bedroom, i.e. vibrators, handcuffs, feather dusters, etc. I am all for adding fun new toys to your sexual repertoire , but before you do, I would want to know where the two of you stand in your level of intimacy. Toys are fun, but if there is no true foundation of intimacy, you are just two people going through the motions to get to the goal of orgasm. My suggestion for all the sexual pleasure seekers is to first develop an intimate connection by trying one seemingly simple act; open your eyes.
Opening your eyes during sex helps create an emotional connection with your partner, which is often times missing from the bedroom and misconstrued for boredom. Opening your eyes whilst in the throes of passion allows you to not only see your partner but allows yourself to be seen. It helps create a state of presence, which is also many times missing from our daily lives. On the surface level, this may seem like a simple concept, but try it for yourself and you may realize the discomfort that stems from this experience. Dr. David Schnarch, a well renowned sex therapist, makes the following statement in his book, Passionate Marriage:
Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch
“To feel comfortable looking each other in the eye, you’ll probably have to confront conflicts you’ve swept under the carpet, which is why some couples continue to have sex with eyes closed. You aren’t likely to let your partner look deep inside you until you’ve done that yourself. If you’re avoiding your partner (or yourself) when you’re out of bed, you’re not likely to act differently between the sheets.”
Dr. Schnarch explains that what is “normal” behavior for most people during sex is to close their eyes and feel the sensations within their own body. However, by connecting to yourself, you disconnect from your partner. Opening your eyes during sex and being comfortable with what you see and convey takes a lot of self-awareness and growth. I’m sorry to disappoint many of you who were maybe hoping to read about a fun new position or blind fold, what I’m talking about here goes beyond technique–I’m suggesting that you actually connect to your partner on a profound level. True intimacy takes time, self-growth, an inner knowing, and connecting to your partner from the best part of yourself. Open your eyes and enjoy the journey!
…and I’m here to learn about life and love as I move through my path as a therapist. I have been in the mental health field for over 5 years, specifically in the arena of drug addiction and couples counseling. Couples counseling in Chicago is my main focus and I want to be able to relay my knowledge to you as a I continue to grow. We thrive on love and human interaction and there is nothing I am more passionate about than exploring the complexities of human relationships. My other favorite topic areas to cover are spirituality and sex therapy. Through this blog I hope to educate, spark interest, raise eyebrows, explore and grow within the context of love, sex and spirituality. Enjoy!
Comment